Stifled anger pushes man into self-destructive eruptions
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the May 31, 2010 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am a 45 year old man, married, with two children and I have been struggling with my anger for as long as I can recall.

You might think that this has caused problems with my family. The funny thing is they don't even realize it. My wife tells people all the time, "Oh, Charlie, he never gets angry." From her point of view, she's right. I have never blown up at her and the kids.

Even though I have a stressful job, I don't get upset at work. When I was a kid, my mother used to say, "I wish my other two children could handle things calmly, the way Charlie does." When I was in high school, a guidance counselor took me to the alternative school to speak to the kids on how to not get angry.

The problem is I have been living a lie all this time. Sure, I don't show I am upset, I don't fight with people or yell and scream but I do get angry. However, no one else knows it.

When something upsets me, I act like it's no big deal. Then, when I'm alone, I go ballistic. I have smashed my possessions, thrown temper tantrums and even done things to myself. As a kid, I used to be a cutter. I always did it in places that would not show but the cutting somehow relieved the tension.

As an adult, I have done similar things. My wife will tell people the only thing wrong with Charlie is that's he's the world's worst driver -- he has had so many accidents. The truth is most, if not all, of those accidents have been the result of my rage. I actually drove into a tree one time because I was so mad.

It is getting harder and harder as life goes on for me to keep up this charade but I don't know how to stop it. Do you have any suggestions? -- Charlie

DEAR CHARLIE: The first thing you have to learn is how to stop imploding your anger. You are stuffing all those feelings inside and it's getting overloaded there. The cutting, the accidents, the tantrums are all a spontaneous release, because your mind and body can't take the pressure any more.

Until now, these things have worked for you, at least as far as others are concerned, but it sounds like they are slowly killing you.

Somewhere along the line you convinced yourself that getting angry was a bad thing. You were looking at your response to anger as anger itself. That's false. Anger is nothing more than a signal sent to your brain that something or someone is doing something you don't like or agree with. The lashing out that you have so desperately tried to avoid is only the response to anger.

First, you have to give yourself permission to be angry about things you don't like or that upset you and then learn the proper response to those things. Find a therapist who specializes in anger management and begin working on this right away. Remember, holding it in will not make it go away. It will only make things worse.-- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.