Oldest child wants desperately to escape family brawls
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the November 2, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I come from a dysfunctional family; you have never seen anything like it in your life.

I'm the oldest, at 19. My siblings are 17, 15 and 12. Ever since I can remember, my family has been screaming, yelling and flipping out over everything.

The few times a year we sit down to dinner together, it's like a battle zone. There have been food fights. I saw my father throw a roast across the table, hitting my mother in the head. My youngest brother has thrown his plate full of food on the floor more than once. It's like animal house. Every family discussion ends up in a full-scale brawl. None of our neighbors speak to us because of the way we fight.

Last week was the fight of all fights. One of my brothers went into the bathroom and locked the door. When my sister knocked on the door, asking to use the bathroom, he said no and said he would be in there all day.

That's when the real fireworks started. My father came running to the bathroom door, yelling for my brother to open it. Before he could respond, my father kicked the door down. This started a fight between my father and brother, with my father getting pushed through the glass slider in the kitchen. When my sister tried to intervene, my brother punched her in the nose. I wanted to call 911 but I was afraid the whole bunch of them would end up in jail and that would not have helped anything.

This is really starting to affect me, because my friends are saying I am starting to act just like the rest of my angry family. I do not want to be like this but I am not sure what to do. How can I help myself and my family change the way we are? -- Katie

DEAR KATIE: From the sound of it, your family really does have some problems. As far as helping yourself goes, you should find a good counselor, possibly someone who specializes in anger management. Like it or not, you are a product of your environment. You had no choice in the matter. People become what they are taught to be. You have been taught to handle your anger in a negative way.

All those years of a negative environment seem to have taken a toll on you and that's why your friends notice you changing. You must get away from that atmosphere as soon as possible and learn the proper way to handle things that upset you, or you will end up just like your parents.

As far as the rest of your family goes, your parents need to address the problem themselves because you can't force them to change. For the younger siblings, one option might be to call the Department of Children and Families and see if they could set up some services in the home before someone gets seriously hurt.

You also said you were afraid to call 911 because you feared "the whole bunch of them would end up in jail." That might not have been a bad option. Would you rather see someone get arrested for domestic violence and possibly get help or have one family member killed and the other charged with murder? Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.