Tirade at small son prompts dad to deal with out-of-control anger
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the November 3, 2008 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My name is Vince. I am a 30-year-old man who has been going out of control my entire life and it has caused me some real problems. It has gotten to the point that no one seems to want to be around me, including my own family.

Last week, I came in from work and my wife showed me my son's report card, which was not very good -- although in hindsight, it was much better than I can ever remember getting in school. Well, I took one look at his report card and hit the roof. I began yelling and screaming at him. I even grabbed him by the shirt and shook him.

My wife tried to calm me down, but that only made me turn on her and I started blaming her for his marks. My son, who is only 8 years old, was scared to death and ended up running upstairs and locking himself in his room. My wife and I then continued to fight until I finally stormed out of the house and went for a ride.

I rode around for about three hours and when I returned home, the house was in darkness and it looked as if everyone was in bed. I walked in only to find my wife sitting there in the dark crying. I felt like a real heel.

She informed me it took over an hour to get my son to come out of his room and when he did, he told her he never wanted to see me again. It was then that she informed me that if I did not seek help she would leave me because she could not put up with this any longer.

I do not want to be like this but I cannot seem to stop. Growing up as a kid, screaming and yelling were how it was in my family. My mother passed away when my two brothers and I were young and my father raised us. He was good to us but he had very little patience with kids, so yelling and screaming were the only way he knew how to get through to us. I have also gotten myself in hot water at work by blowing up only to find out later that I had the entire situation wrong.

I want to change but I don't know how or where to start. Can you make some suggestions? -- Vince

DEAR VINCE: Your story is more common than you know; many people where raised in homes where yelling and screaming were the way of communication when things got a little sticky. People may respond out of fear but they are not responding to your request. They are responding as a way to get you to stop screaming. This is a very ineffective form of communication.

What you need to do is learn how to listen to what is being said and think about what your motive is before you respond. In your son's case, you have readily admitted the marks were not that bad once you had a chance to think about them.

The question then to ask yourself is: What was it you were really upset with? Was it something that had happened during the day at work or something that happened with someone else? Was your son's report card just the match that lit the fuse?

I would suggest you take a course in anger management or at least make an appointment with a counselor to talk about the issues in your life. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.