Woman can't deal with people who don't do things her way
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the November 9, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I need help. Lately, I think I am going crazy and don't know what to do about it.

My nature has always been to be overly concerned about every little thing. When things don't go well or the way I expect them to, it drives me crazy. Even as a young girl, when things were not in the proper place or something didn't happen as expected, it upset me to no end.

Fortunately, most of the time I was able to keep it to myself, although I would stress over it for days. My mother was the only one who understood. She would talk to me about it and let me know that I was right and that, unfortunately, other people didn't have the integrity I had.

Even after I got married, when I got upset mom was always there to point things out to me. But she died two years ago and since then things are getting worse. My husband and I have been fighting over everything lately and it seems that everything he or the kids do drives me crazy.

The other day, I spent all day arranging the garage with the kids' toys and my husband's tools and fishing equipment, only to find the place a mess two days later. I gathered my husband and two sons together and took them into the garage to show them the mess and ask why they couldn't keep things the way I had them. This turned into a huge brawl, with my husband and sons telling me that I was overreacting and that I needed to ease up a bit.

Is it wrong for me to get angry when things are not put back in place or they leave a mess behind them? Is it wrong for me to want a clean, orderly house? I feel like it's me against the entire world lately and I have no one to talk to. Do you have any advice for me and my family, because this is tearing our entire home apart. -- Susan

DEAR SUSAN: Well, I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is you are not going crazy.

The bad news is that it sounds like you have become a product of your earlier environment, where your mother was always there to enable your behavior. While she wanted you to feel good about yourself, she was sending you a message that your compulsive and obsessive behavior was OK and that everyone else was wrong. You were able to contain things and not lose control because of her reassurance. Sooner or later, however, it had to come to a head.

What happens now is that when you get frustrated you get confused because you cannot understand why others don't see things your way. You then attempt to hold your temper by imploding or burying your anger. With no one to talk to, it suddenly explodes, affecting everyone around you.

I suggest that you find a good counselor as soon as you can and work on what could be obsessive-compulsive behavior. Meanwhile, when things start bothering you, sit down and write about them and why they are bothering you. This is called journaling.

You also need to sit down with your family and work things out. Let them know what your expectations are and then discuss them. You need to listen to their side of things, too. Remember, communication is a big part of solving the problem. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.