Earlier rift keeps woman from helping sister with problem child
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the November 10, 2008 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: When my younger sister and her husband got married, they wanted to have a child right away. However, after a couple of years of trying and going back and forth to different doctors, they found out she could not get pregnant. She was devastated, especially at first, but after a while she came around and they decided to try the adoption route.

The process was extremely frustrating, but four years later, they finally got a beautiful baby boy. They named him Carl and this little guy immediately became the center of both of their lives. As little Carl started to grow up, he seemed to be developing a bit of a temper when things did not go his way. My sister used to say, "Oh, he is just stubborn like his father," and we would all laugh it off.

When Carl started preschool, there were a few incidents with other kids that my sister told me about and I stupidly responded, "You'd better get him checked out before you end up raising a serial killer."

As you can imagine, she became furious and we had a big argument and did not speak for nearly a year. It was not until our father's funeral that she finally accepted my apology. Yet even now that we are back talking, she shares very little with me about Carl.

Carl is now 10 years old and in the fourth grade. The other day, my neighbor, who has a daughter in Carl's class, told me that Carl was suspended from school for hitting a kid with a hammer he had brought in from home. She tells me that the boy needed 12 stitches to close the wound in his head.

I know that my sister must be beside herself with all of this and I want so much to be able to go to her and see if there is anything I can do to help. However, I am afraid because of the last time when I made that stupid remark, she will reject my help and think I am just there to criticize her child. Do you have any suggestions? -- Caitlin

DEAR CAITLIN: Unfortunately, you're right -- because of that foolish remark, she probably would think you were there only to criticize.

If you have any other siblings or family members, you might get them to help you form a plan to approach your sister. You want to approach this so that she knows you are there to offer help if she needs it, not to criticize her son or tell her how to raise him.

If she believes that you have her and her son's best interest at heart, I would bet that she would welcome the help. Going through something like this is not easy for any parent, especially a parent who has adopted.

You might suggest that she explain the situation to Carl's pediatrician and ask him if he could give the child a complete physical to make sure he is not suffering from a physical ailment. This way, if the pediatrician rules out physical problems, he can suggest having a child psychiatrist talk to the boy. This lets you off the hook.

Remember, you want her to see you as someone who is there to help her protect her child, not take him away from her. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.