Squelching years of anger is making man sick
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the November 23, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am in my 40s and have always been known as someone who controls his anger. The fact of the matter is that it's just the opposite -- even though I don't think I have ever let anyone see me lose it.

Even as a child, I was able to hold back my feelings. Part of the reason is that as a child I saw my father, who was a brute of a man, abuse my mother, my siblings and me to no end. He would come home from work and be upset about something and we would all suffer for it, especially my mother.

It was mostly verbal abuse but there were times when he would take it out on us physically. I remember one day he came home from work and was complaining about his boss and, the next thing we knew, he had my mother by the throat and was attempting to strangle her.

My mother would always make excuses about how much pressure he was under and how it was not his fault. She would always say to me, "Henry, if nothing else, you must learn from this and not grow up acting like your father."

My father died of a massive heart attack in his late 50s, ironically after one of his violent anger-venting sessions. The doctor told my mother his temper killed him in the end by causing the heart attack. Naturally, I have been watching my temper even more closely since then.

The problem is that holding it back is getting harder and harder all the time. Every time I try to hold it back lately, I end up getting sick. I have a whole slew of health problems that just seem to be getting worse. I have been to the doctor many times and he keeps saying stress is causing most of my health problems.

I thought holding back on my anger all these years would be better for me and my health. Now, it seems to be just the opposite. Do you have any suggestions? -- Henry

DEAR HENRY: You are doing what we refer to in anger management as "imploding," which is hold the anger in rather than dealing with it. Imploders hold their anger for long periods of time because of fear, insecurity and or low self-esteem.

Initially, it seems to cause little harm and, in fact, it seems imploders have things under control. This is very dangerous, because holding that anger in can cause serious physical and mental health problems.

You got the message when you were a child that the only way to deal with anger is to stuff it or ignore it. In fact, that's one of the worst things you can do. Now that you are getting older, it's causing you serious health problems from all that built-up stress.

I would suggest that you find and participate in an anger management course. Learn to deal with things when they anger you and understand that anger is a normal emotion, like happiness or sadness. There is no shame in feeling anger. How you respond to it is the key.

I would also suggest that you find a good therapist who treats people who have experienced the trauma of domestic violence. Good luck -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.