Young man's suicide leaves friend baffled and angry
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the November 24, 2008 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: Something has been bothering me for a couple of years now and I am not sure if I am angry about it or just confused. A few years ago, a good friend of mine, Sammy, committed suicide. When I found out about it I was devastated. I could not believe that, of all my friends, this guy would ever do anything like this.

This was a guy who was in his late 20s, good-looking, had a decent job, a nice girlfriend and came from a wonderful family. I thought I knew him as well as I knew myself but apparently I didn't. We used to have conversations on how great life was and he used to say to me, "Kenny, I hope I live until I am 100 years old so I can enjoy life to its fullest."

When I went to see his mother and father that day, it was the saddest thing I have ever encountered. At first, none of us would believe it. We told the police that Sammy would never do this to himself.

That all came to a sudden end when they told his parents he had left a detailed note saying how he could not stand life any longer and it was time for him to leave this earth before he hurt people even more than he had already. We were all dumbfounded. We never knew him to hurt anyone in his life. To this day, it has never been shown that he hurt anyone at all.

His parents have never been the same. I see them once in awhile and all they do is look at me and say, "Kenny, why did Sammy do this?" It tears me apart. His younger sister just graduated from college and she has decided to move away because she says there are too many memories of her brother here.

Part of me wants to understand why Sammy did this and part of me wants to be angry with him for what he did. The problem is I cannot seem to do either one. Do you have any suggestions? -- Kenny

DEAR KENNY: Suicide is often referred to as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. In reality, suicide is never a solution. In terms of its effects on loved ones and the problems it leaves behind, suicide will always make the excuses for it look minuscule.

Trying to understand why Sammy did this will only frustrate you beyond your wildest dreams. That is because you will never know what was going on in his mind when he decided to act on his feelings. There is no reasonable or rational answer to why someone commits suicide.

As far as your anger goes, you absolutely do have the right and should be angry with what Sammy did; it was horrible. He not only hurt his family, he hurt you and many others who cared for him. Do not confuse your anger over his actions with your feelings for him as a dear friend; it is the act that you are upset with, not your relationship with him. So allow yourself to feel that anger and you will be able to move on in the grieving process. Remember, none of us should ever attempt to justify an act such as suicide because there is no justification for it. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.