Woman's hostile activism alienating friends
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the November 30, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I need help dealing with one of my friends, whom I will refer to as Ms. Negative -- and that's being kind. I have always gotten along with her up until a couple of years ago, when she decided to become an activist.

It all started when she became disgruntled with the turn the national elections took and decided that she wanted to become more active in the political arena. At first, I actually looked at it as a positive step and even encouraged her. In the beginning, she seemed to believe in the causes she was working on and enjoyed helping people.

Lately, however, she has turned into a hate-monger. If someone or something does not agree with her line of thinking, she goes all out to destroy whatever or whoever it is.

She no longer seems to care whom or what she hurts in the process. There is no longer a debate. It's her way or the highway. Recently, she went after some people in our town with such vengeance that it was scary. Even after winning her point, she is still focused on destroying these people.

I am not the only one who has noticed it. Many of our mutual friends have also noticed this change in behavior. It is getting to the point that no one wants to be around her. She can't see it but she is losing friends left and right. A lot of people are scared to get into a debate with her because she gets so vicious.

If I were not so close to her, I would just walk away. However, we have been friends a long time and even though I am extremely angry with her, I want to make sure I try everything possible before dropping her. I am worried about my approach because I am so angry. I am afraid if she gets negative with me that I will blow up and just tell her off. Do you have any suggestions on how I should or could handle this in a calm manner? Thanks. -- Darlene

DEAR DARLENE: First, you have to brace yourself for the fact that, in all likelihood, your friend will get negative when you approach her. It sounds like this newfound activism has become a vehicle through which she vents some deep-rooted anger that she has never dealt with.

Getting upset and telling her off will only support her position. She thrives in that conflict. It gives her power and allows her to push the real anger back so she does not have to deal with it.

You should sit down, possibly with some of the other people who have noticed the change in her behavior, and develop a plan for approaching her. Make sure you have a few escape hatches for when she becomes negative. Also, you must build in a graceful exit for her, so that if and when she decides surrender, she can do it in a way that maintains her dignity.

Just pointing out what she is doing wrong will only make her more resentful. You must use praise as well as constructive criticism. Let her know that her activism is a good thing and she can accomplish great things. At the same time, show her how her manner of delivery is hurting her cause more than helping it.

Remember trying to solve a problem with just a stick or a carrot can be difficult. A combination of the two can work well. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.