Woman needs to muster calm and courage to face abusive boss
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the October 5, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am a 30-year-old woman, married and live a pretty uncomplicated life. However, lately I have been suffering from severe headaches, sleepless nights and borderline hypertension. My doctor thinks I am stressed out and recommends I see a mental health therapist.

I believe my boss, Dave, is the only stress in my life. The way he acts toward me is horrible. He yells and screams and is demeaning all the time. He is considered a bully by many of the employees and not too many people actually like this guy.

Last week, he gave me several complicated reports to do. I finished them in record time only to have him summon me into his office and berate me like a common criminal. I tried to explain to him that he was reading the report wrong. He would not listen and stormed off into his directors' meeting.

I was left shaking, frightened and upset by his behavior. A few hours later these feelings turned into anger. However, as usual, by the time I mustered the courage to confront him, I could no longer remember the details, so I ended up saying nothing. The worst part is -- as in this case -- I later found out I was right and his bosses have commended him for my work. He will never tell me that, though.

I cannot seem to talk to my husband or anyone close to me about this because I'm afraid the only thing they will say is that I should file a harassment charge against him. I have worked for this man for a while and he can be a very likable person.

Is there any thing I can do that will help, yet avoid getting him in trouble? -- Janet

DEAR JANET: Your primary-care physician is correct; you should make an appointment to see a mental health therapist.

In the meantime, I would suggest that you start journaling. In the future, when your boss goes off on you, return to your office, write down everything you can remember about what he said, how you feel about it and what you would like to do about it.

Later, when those feelings start to change -- from being upset and scared to angry -- write those feelings down and what you would like to do about them. Keep doing this until your feelings about the incident have stabilized. Next, review the notes; make yourself lists of the highlights in each phase of your reaction.

When you feel you are no longer highly emotional about the incident, make an appointment to discuss the situation with your boss. Keep it on a professional level, referring to the facts on your paper if you wish. Respectfully let him know that this behavior will no longer be acceptable. Tell him you would like to solve this issue on his level but, if that is not possible, you will have no other choice but to go to his boss.

It will be very difficult for him to dispute your facts face to face. It will also put him on notice that you mean business. Remember, if you tell him you are going to his boss if this behavior continues, you must follow through. No one should be subjected to that kind of treatment, at work or anywhere else. Best of luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.