Having the right to be angry doesn't justify bad behavior
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the October 6, 2008 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am writing because you say in your columns that we all have the right to be angry about anything we choose.

My wife and I have been having an ongoing argument because she says I do not have a right to be angry about her criticism of my social life.

I have a job that requires me to work outside in all kinds of weather, well over the normal eight hours a day, sometimes up to 16 hours a day. The work is very physical and dirty and by the end of the day I am usually totally exhausted.

Friday nights, my co-workers and I go out to relax at the end of a hard week. We leave work at about 5 or 6 o'clock and hit the local bar, where we tend to play pretty hard, drinking, playing pool and just relaxing. We usually close the place and get home around 3 in the morning but we always make arrangements for rides home and pick our cars up the next day.

My wife gets upset because she says I am not setting a good example to my two boys, ages 2 and 4. She also contends that because I usually end up on the couch most of the day, I am losing valuable time with them. She also says that my constant habit of disappointing them will cause problems when they are older.

I will admit that I have missed a few family events and, yes, a couple of times I had promised that I would take them fishing or to the zoo and I had to cancel because I was not feeling well. My contention is that I work hard and that I should be entitled to some recreation, too. I also think that my kids are young enough that they will never remember any of this.

I keep telling my wife that I have all the right in the world to be angry with her attitude and that she is wrong for thinking I should work all week as hard as I do and not expect any relaxation time. Am I wrong for getting upset with her attitude or do I deserve my free time? -- Charlie

DEAR CHARLIE: You're absolutely right: I do say in my columns that anyone has the right to be angry with anyone or anything, no matter what.

But I have never said or will ever say that just because you have the right to be angry it automatically makes you right.

In your case, I have some serious issues with your behavior. First of all, please do not fool yourself into thinking that just because your kids are only 2 and 4 they will not remember your bad behavior or things you did that disappointed them. Our children notice and remember a lot more than we think.

I also think that while you work extremely hard, it sounds like you might have a problem with alcohol or at least are headed toward one.

You should sit down and think about how you would feel if your wife -- after a long week of taking care of the children and doing household chores -- decided that she and her girlfriends needed to go out one night a week and get drunk and then lie around the house the next day because she was too sick to move.

So while you can reserve the right to be angry at her attitude, you don't have the right to use it to justify your bad behavior. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.