Niece's abusive behavior to mother must be reported to authorities
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the October 12, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My 15-year-old niece, Kelly, is abusing drugs and alcohol badly. She is also very abusive toward her mother, both verbally and physically. She has actually assaulted my sister so badly in the past that she had to be hospitalized. However, my sister will not call the police because she is fearful Kelly will hate her.

My sister, Gail, is a single mother and Kelly is her only child. Her father took off when she was 7 years old and has not been in her life since, although he is around town.

This girl does nothing to help out around the house. All she does is eat and make a mess. She comes and goes at will with no regard to what my sister says. She has told my sister that when she turns 16 in six months, she plans to quit school and just hang out with her friends. She has been arrested several times for assaulting other kids in the neighborhood; she is dating a 20-year-old guy who is nothing short of a bum.

The other night, she came home with her boyfriend in tow about 10 p.m. and my sister tried to tell her she had to stay in because it was a school night. That started a huge argument. My sister told me that Kelly went into the kitchen, got a steak knife and threatened to cut her mother's throat if she did not shut up.

I am going crazy listening to my sister tell these stories. I told my husband I want to go over there and just give my niece a good old-fashioned beating and see if that straightens her out. My husband says absolutely not -- that all that will do is get me arrested and thrown in jail. I am totally frustrated. What can I do to control my anger and at the same time help my sister with this kid? -- Megan

DEAR MEGAN: First of all, your husband is correct; the only thing that punching your niece out will do is land you in jail and make her out to be a victim.

I didn't see anything in your letter about your sister having a CHINS (Child in Need of Services) order on her daughter. I would suggest that she start there by going to the local juvenile court and speaking to the people in the probation department.

The next thing I would do is talk to the local police and see if they can't have a conversation with this 20-year-old boyfriend. This girl is underage and he could be breaking the law, especially if they are engaging in sexual activity.

Then I would get your sister signed up for an assertive parenting course, so she can start teaching her daughter that the home has rules and they must be followed. Your niece has to learn that if she cannot act properly in the home that she may have to live some place else, like a foster home or juvenile hall.

You also have to be there to support your sister and encourage her to call the authorities when this girl gets out of control. You need to get your sister to realize that while her daughter may be angry and resent her now, eventually she will realize that this was all done in her best interest. The situation will only worsen if she does nothing. That is a guarantee. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.