Unhappy dad must learn to experience anger
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the October 13, 2008 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I grew up in a house that was full of anger; my father was like the king who ruled his kingdom with an iron fist. When one of my three brothers or I would dare to step out of line, he would come down on us like a ton of bricks. My mother, on the other hand, walked on eggshells, making excuses for his behavior and warning us not to upset him.

I vowed never to be like him, that no matter what, I would never treat my family like he treated us. Well, I have been married to a wonderful woman for 18 years now. We have two teenage boys and not once have I ever raised my voice in anger toward any of them.

The problem is my house is in constant turmoil, with the boys fighting and my wife screaming and yelling at them. My wife is always on my back because I do not say anything to the boys when they misbehave or show her disrespect.

I tried to tell her my getting upset and yelling at them is not going to help things. She tells me that the boys have absolutely no respect for me because I never discipline them.

It has now gotten to the point that I am starting to hate going home to them, I have actually thought of just running away and never contacting them again.

What am I doing wrong? I try not to create a household of terror like I grew up in and I am still miserable. -- Dale

DEAR DALE: Like many people in our society, you have never been taught how to get angry. In fact, in your case you have been taught to fear anger. Just imagine fearing being able to experience happiness or sadness as a child and not being able to enjoy having fun with your friends, or feeling sad when someone close to you passes away. You would have a pretty miserable childhood.

Well, anger is an emotion just like happiness and sadness and you need to let yourself experience it.

Anger is fine and has never caused anyone any harm. However, the response or, in your case, the lack of response sure has. What you are doing by holding or trying to hold back your anger is internalizing it. That feeling you get when the boys are fighting or your wife is screaming, believe it or not, is anger.

Responding to anger does not mean lashing out, screaming or hitting someone or something. Those are all examples of response to anger, bad responses. The first thing you have to do is acknowledge that something is upsetting you and then think about how you want to respond to it. Responding can be simply stating that you are unhappy with what someone has done or about something that has happened.

I would strongly suggest that you seek a counselor who could help you with this and show you the correct ways to respond to things that anger you. Left the way it is, your situation will end up driving you into depression.

I think you will see once you start to respond to your anger in a positive way that people, including your sons, will have much more respect for you. Your self-esteem will also increase and you will hopefully be able to enjoy your family once again. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.