Teenager takes over everything when parents split up
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the October 19, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am a junior in high school and I believe should be having a good time playing sports, doing schoolwork, socializing and just enjoying my high school years. The problem is for the last year I feel like I have inherited an instant family, which I am expected to support and bring up.

The problem started a year ago when my mother and father split up; my mother moved to the other side of the country. My father on the other hand has turned into an alcoholic, has lost his job and seems to be in a giant depression. I have been left to fend for my 12-year-old brother and myself, which is now starting to include the financial side also because my father brings in no money what so ever. My part-time job at the local pizza parlor has had to turn to full-time and I have also had to take up another job delivering newspapers before I go to school just so we can eat and pay the rent. My mother sends us about $200.00, which helps us a little, but my father seems to drink that away in good fashion.

I am angry because I had plans to go to college and study mechanical engineering; however, now my grades have slipped so much that I will be lucky to get out of high school. My younger brother on the other hand is starting to get himself into trouble at school and he is hanging around with the wrong crowd. This is mainly due to no supervision from my father and I am working so much I can't do anything about it.

I know I am probably sounding selfish complaining about all this but it just does not seem fair; my brother and I did not ask for this. Do you think I am out of line being angry at this situation? I just don't know what to do anymore. -- Kevin

DEAR KEVIN: The short answer to your question is, no I don't think you are out of line being angry at your situation. You have been left with a situation that would be overwhelming for a mature well-established adult, let alone a teenage high school boy. The manner in which you have reacted so far shows that you are mature well beyond your years. For a year you have acted like the parent in the family which your father and mother both have abandoned their responsibilities.

Our anger tends to build up in situations and then comes out when things like frustration, disappointment, confusion, annoyance impatience and hurt trigger it. It sounds to me like your triggers here have been frustration and disappointment in the way your parents have reacted to the situation, which in reality is their doing -- not you and your brothers.

The first thing I would suggest is that you speak to your counselor at school and let her know what is going on;, she is a mandate reporter and will be obligated to call the Department of Children and Families. Once that is done they will come into the home and see what types of services that can be provided to help the situation, like help with finances, possibly getting help for your father with his drinking problem, and all sorts of services.

You should be entitled to enjoy your high school years and not have to worry about bringing up a family. Helping out is one thing but having the entire burden thrust on you is not right.

Good Luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.