Son hopes he can change parents' behavior to each other
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the October 20, 2008 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: My problem is the anger I have toward my parents, not for what they have done to me but their relationship with each other.

I am 30 years old and cannot remember my parents having a normal relationship. My dad has always been a very materialistic person; money is his only love in life. He worked hard at his business and was extremely successful but no matter how much money he made, he never seemed happy.

While we lived well, having nice houses, new cars and plenty of toys, there never seemed to be the happiness that I saw in my friends' families. Dad never seemed to have enough. He was always talking about getting more, because he needed to show that he could get it. He used to preach to me all the time that money was the key to having a good life, yet we seemed to have plenty and he was never happy.

My mother, on the other hand, is nothing more than a verbal punching bag for him. Although I have never seen him physically hit her, his verbal insults are brutal. However, all she does is make excuses for him. "Well, your father is under a lot of stress" or, "It's because he works so hard."

I have tried to talk to both of them but when I do, I lose my temper. With my mother, it's because she just doesn't hear it and with my father, it's because of his super arrogance. I tried talking to my father last week after I witnessed him go off on my mother, calling her all kinds of nasty names. His attitude was so bad that I left because I felt like punching him in the nose.

I am at a loss as to how to handle this. I feel I cannot just let it go but I am also afraid that if I keep trying to talk to them I will either end up saying the wrong thing, or in my father's case, end up in a fist fight. Do you have any suggestions?-- Andy

DEAR ANDY: Well, first of all, I commend you for having the good sense to walk away before you did something you would have regretted. I believe what you need to do here is formulate a plan before you try to talk to either of your parents again.

In that plan, you have to understand your motive: I it to get them to a point where they act the way you think they should or is it to get them thinking about each other differently? I say this because no one can make anyone change who doesn't want to change. However, you can plant a seed if you do it slowly and in the correct manner.

I think the best bet is to work on your mother by suggesting that she seek some counseling or get her to attend a group that could help her with her self-esteem. As far as your father goes, I would suggest that you try and work on your relationship with him. If that improves, you may have a better shot at beginning to open up communication with him about a lot of things. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.