Don't let husband's meekness get the better of you
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the October 27, 2008 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am writing because my husband thinks my anger is out of control, especially when it comes to him. First of all, let me give you some background on my husband.

Steve is a great guy. However, he is very meek when it comes to speaking up. He believes that if you speak up to someone you are disrespecting them somehow. If we go out to dinner and the meal comes and it is not like he ordered he will not say a word to me because he is afraid that I will speak up. He says the waitress didn't cook the meal so why complain to her. I have told him that is her job to let the kitchen know the customer is not happy and have them do it over again.

Usually I will speak up and tell the waitress that the meal is not to his liking, would she please take it back and have them do it over. He gets very upset when I do this, saying that I am rude and have embarrassed him.

The other night a salesman came to the house trying to sell us a new vacuum cleaner. This guy was as slippery as they come; he had Steve eating out of his hand like a trained parrot. Steve had told me he wanted to do all the talking; however, when the salesman stated the figure it sounded like we were purchasing a car not a simple vacuum. I finally had enough and spoke up. I told Steve and the salesman I have been doing the vacuum cleaning around here for the past 20 years without a Mercedes Benz vacuum and I think the old one works just great and then proceeded to show the used car salesman the door. Steve got extremely upset with me and told me I needed an anger management course. He said if I persist in showing my anger he is not going out in public with me again.

How can I speak up without having my husband getting so upset with me? After all, if he had signed that contract it was both of us who would have been responsible. -- Betty

DEAR BETTY: As far as your husband being meek, as you call it, that is your opinion and you are entitled to it. It seems like Steve believes he is just being polite; again, he is also entitled to his opinion.

When he orders his meals in a restaurant or does something else that does not get done to his satisfaction, then it is his responsibility to speak up or live with it. The fact that you think it is not done the way he wants it doesn't matter; he is the one who is going to have to live with it.

Now when it comes to something that is going to affect both parties and the entire family, that is a different story. You are then entitled to speak up. However, don't you think you would get further by being a little more professional? How about saying something like, "Since I am the one that will be using this machine, I think my opinion is warranted here don't you?" This way you are not embarrassing your husband and/or being rude.

I think it is time for you to realize this is the way your husband chooses to approach things and that he has that right. I would also suggest that the two of you set up some rules for how to deal with things that will affect both of you and the household in general.

Remember, your marriage will be a lot better off if he is allowed to put up with things that are not just right, rather then face the possibility of embarrassment. However, that does not mean you have to be like that.

Best of luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.