Freeloader brother-in-law has overstayed his welcome
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the September 7, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I was born in the Middle East and came to this country 10 years ago at the age of 17. Since coming to this country, I have managed to obtain my citizenship and have been extremely fortunate, living the American dream.

Five years ago, I returned to my homeland to marry my high-school sweetheart and came back to the U.S. with her. Before I left, her father begged me to allow her brother to come live with us so that he could attend college in this country. The arrangement was only supposed to be for six to nine months until he could get settled. I reluctantly gave in.

This guy has been with us ever since. Not only has he not attempted to find his own place he does nothing but go to school. He expects my wife to pick up after him, do his laundry, cook his meals and, if she is not home, he expects me to do it.

Needless to say this has caused a huge problem in our home. While my wife gets upset with her brother she is afraid if she says anything she will offend him.

This summer, things got worse when my in-laws and four children came to visit for two months, sandwiching nine of us in our tiny two-bedroom apartment.

Like my brother in-law, these new houseguests expected to be waited on hand and foot. My father-in-law would wake up at 6 a.m. and start demanding my wife and I start cooking breakfast. When I complained, he threw his shoes at me (which is an insult in my country) and told me I was a good-for-nothing bum.

They have since left but my brother-in-law remains and this is causing many problems in my marriage. My anger is getting out of control. What can I do to control it so it does not upset my wife? -- Fahad

DEAR FAHAD: First of all, let me say that your anger is well justified. Unless there was some kind of pre-arranged agreement that you are not stating, there is no reason you should have to put up with this behavior. Even if some kind of agreement existed, the name-calling and shoe-throwing are nothing short of abuse and assault in this country.

You and your wife should sit down and work out a strategy that will rid you of your brother-in-law. This may include obtaining an eviction notice and a restraining order to remove him and keep him away.

Next, I would suggest that you write your in-laws and inform them of your actions. Let them know you still want to have a relationship with them and, if they wish to visit in the future, you will gladly give them names and numbers of hotels in the area.

You need to realize that you married your wife not her family. While it's nice to help out relatives, this situation goes too far. Fighting and arguing with them will only cause more stress in your life. Set the rules, put them into action and go about living your life. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Send questions to him at Stressunit@aol.com or send mail to: Stress Unit, c/o The Editor, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01853.