Woman must find rational way to help mother protect her assets
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the September 14, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: There's a family situation that I find very upsetting but the way I have been dealing with it seems to be doing more harm than good, so I am seeking some advice.

My father recently passed away and, although he was not a millionaire, he was fairly well off, owning quite a bit of rental property. The problem is my sister, whom I consider the greediest person on earth.

She's trying to get my mother to sign documents that would guarantee her a certain portion of the estate now rather than when my mother passes on. She is at my mother's house every day, hounding her to sign papers. The other day, she threatened to have my mother declared incompetent and have herself put in charge of all my mother's affairs. I found out she has even consulted an attorney about starting the paperwork to do this.

I have approached her a few times and tried to talk to her. She just dismisses me like the younger sister who knows nothing. She says that I have no right getting involved since I messed up my own life years ago. I have to admit that about 15 years ago I had a problem with alcohol and drugs and had to be put into a psychiatric hospital. However, I have been clean since then.

The other day she upset me so much that I ended up pushing her up against the wall and threatening to beat her up. Afterward, she told me that if I interfered one more time she would have me arrested for domestic assault. This situation has my mother very upset; all she wants to do is live out the rest of her life in peace.

I wouldn't mind, but my sister and her husband are extremely well off and I cannot figure why she wants the money so badly. Do you have any suggestions, because my methods don't seem to be working. -- Kelly

DEAR KELLY: Let's look at the big picture here. Your method of yelling, screaming and assaulting will only do two things. First, your sister is right; she could have you arrested for domestic assault for pushing her up against the wall. The second thing is that your actions will strengthen her case.

I would suggest you fight fire with fire. Your sister has consulted an attorney, so have your mother obtain an attorney. It certainly sounds as if your mother is capable of handling her own affairs especially with the assistance of legal counsel. Check to see if your father already had a lawyer who took care of his affairs.

The attorney can also discuss with your mother the possibility of obtaining a restraining order to prevent your sister from harassing her.

The main thing you have to remember is that while it's OK to get angry about the situation, it is not OK to use intimidation and violence as a means to solve the problem.

You said that 15 years ago you had some problems and you were able to straighten yourself out. Why not use the things you learned then to help you now? Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.