Dad's 'competitive' nature making twin sons aggressive
(this article was first published in the LifeStyles section of the September 28, 2009 edition of the Lowell Sun. If you're interested in viewing other articles, click here.)

Stress Unit
By MICHAEL HAYDEN, Sun Correspondent
Lowell Sun

DEAR MIKE: I am the mother of 5-year-old twin boys and am very concerned about their anger.

The boys, John and Jason, have been competitive since they were old enough to crawl. The main problem is their father; my husband, Dave, has always encouraged them not only to compete but to downright fight for what they think is theirs.

Dave grew up the youngest of four boys and feels that because he had to fight for everything he ever got in life his sons should do the same. He says preventing them from competing will make them weak when they get older.

Dave himself has always been competitive. He is now a successful salesman and attributes his success to being competitive.

There is another side to that: Dave has been arrested two or three times for fighting and assaulting people because he became so aggressive. I have always been fearful that this would happen to the boys. Last week, the kindergarten teacher called me to say the boys had beaten up another child. It seems that John got into an argument with this other boy and began fighting with him when Jason jumped in to help and they ended up hurting the other boy.

I talked to Dave about this when he came home from work and his response was, "Hey, that's just brothers sticking up for each other -- no big deal."

I do not want my boys growing up thinking they need to fight for everything in life. I am starting to see their anger get more intense every day. Is there anything I can do? -- Marline

DEAR MARLINE: Not only is there something you can do about it. It's also imperative that you start immediately. First, you must teach the boys that while it is OK to be angry about something that bothers them, there is a proper way to handle it.

Competition is fine but teaching children that everything in life must happen the way they want it is not healthy. Your husband is setting your twins up for almost-certain failure. He is not teaching them competition; he is teaching them that physical confrontation is the only way to get what they need in life and that is wrong.

Start by putting your boys into counseling, preferably with someone who specializes in anger management and let them learn the proper way to get angry and how to respond to it. The next thing you need to do is talk to their father about the bad example that he is setting for his children. Perhaps setting up an appointment with the school guidance counselor would be a good idea. Maybe if your husband hears how this behavior is affecting his sons' education, he will think twice about what he is telling them.

Remember, dealing with it now when they are young will be a lot easier than dealing with it when they are teens. Good luck. -- Mike

Michael Hayden is a certified anger management counselor who runs Bay State Anger Management and Counseling in Chelmsford. Contact him at stressunit@aol.com or (978) 459-4884.